“I feel certain that I am going mad again…” — Virginia Woolf
I have told you so many stories of where I have been to and who I have met darling and I hope you have enjoyed them. There are times however, when I go to a place where I feel like I can never make it back. It is a place darker and drearier than my shimmery shabby village; one where there are no clear lines, no real boundaries.
It is a place where I am constantly looking over my shoulder. It is a time when the woods are not peaceful anymore and nothing is found there except for the thoughts I want to forget.
I cannot sleep without a light on when I feel like this; I cannot be alone for too long and I long to talk about Monday mornings and the time on the clock. Walls are not just walls anymore because I see the faces of people I have known and those I still need to meet. The sky could be of the clearest nature and yet I still see nothing but a void.
Story credits: Images courtesy of Caroline Hanny.
There are some women who we say are beautiful; others who are somewhat pretty and then there are those whose face is quite arresting.
There are some women who look like the ghostly hour of the night, their pallor shimmering with the light of the moon and others whose face belongs under the sun. Then there are women darling, who look like the place they inhabit.
I saw a woman yesterday who looked like Venice. She was Venice. She is the place where the man from The Aspern Papers pursues that which he is obsessed with. She is la dolce vita and she is the dark, dingy water that fuels the canal.
I was in a gondola, heading to the piazza when I saw her, wrapped in a black cape and with dark red lips. She was walking a narrow street just as others were but she stood out with her stance.
She looked like she was moving to the rhythm of the small waves of the canal – with an unheeded determination to subsist in the world with all of her grace, despite the crowds and the noise.
I told my gondoliere to stop for a moment, I wanted to see Venice walk by.
Story credits: Image by Vogue Italia
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I found myself sitting on a bench at the cemetery yesterday darling, in a black and white world, surrounded by crows and the fog.
I was not feeling well. I have been going through a difficult time lately. I cannot always be so positive and cheery for you darling. I couldn’t even make it to the village yesterday. All I wanted to do was to be alone, away from everyone, even from Eduardo del Mar, feeling the loss and the tragedy of it all even though I was not sure exactly what this all was.
At first I thought ennui was making me feel like this but as I sat there on the bench surrounded by the eerie, I realised how scared I was that I would lose all of this — the village and all of those who inhabit my world.
You see darling, even obstinate dreamers find themselves unable to believe their own dreams sometimes, more so when the routine of one’s everyday life becomes too dominant.
Story credit: Image via Vogue.
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Story credit: Vogue Australia for main image.